Living without electricity: Don't use a room light. Get out of the habit of using the word “my”. Mother still doesn’t accept me.

November 1, 2024.

Hello, I woke up several times last night and was finally awake at 7:40. I also dreamt something once, but can't remember the dream.

Yesterday, before going to bed, I watched a documentary from WDR “Aussteiger in Deutschland: Leben ohne Strom und Wasser” (Dropouts in Germany: Life without electricity and water) and about a woman who lives in a tiny house without electricity. I was inspired by these people who live without electricity and running water - almost like I did when I lived with grandma and grandpa in the village in Russia: fetching water from a well and experiencing regular power cuts. Was that bad? No, by no means! From the perspective of those days, I would prefer running water and electricity and from today's perspective, the opposite. No matter what you have and how you live, from an ego perspective I will always strive for more. This more can also mean turning away from a comfortable life. I change the life because the current life is not good enough from the ego's perspective. I am very aware of this.

Why do I (the ego) actually want to try to live without a room light (and possibly later completely without electricity)?

• Natural sleep-wake rhythm, i.e. better sleep.
• Sustainable living in harmony with nature. The sun is the lamp in the sky, so to speak. Less light pollution.
• More independence from the power supply. In other words, a more crisis-proof life.
• More independence from money. That means I need less money to lead a good life. After all, I then have to pay a smaller electricity bill or none at all.
• Reducing the fear of darkness (and rising electricity prices in Germany 😄).
• More effective use of daylight.

How do I do that? When I'm visiting mom, I don't switch on the room light at all and I turn off the ceiling lights at home. This means there will be no more bright light in the bathroom and kitchen in the evening. If I have to pee urgently at night and can't see anything, I have a small crank flashlight and plasma lighter (from when I was still involved in survival), a candle and a smartphone light. So I don't have to worry that I'll miss a pee or urgently need light at night.

At breakfast I watched a video by Dieter Lange and I realized something, but I don't know if that's good. If I am aware of the ego and leave it behind, then I am armed against any verbal attacks (like the one from the mother the other day), but I cannot feel empathy in this state of consciousness - in other words, if someone is suffering, I cannot sympathize, if someone is crying, I cannot cry with them. So I am perceived as being emotionally cold? Is that good or bad? Dieter Lange says “never feel sorry”, at least from a coach's point of view, because an injured mother tiger cannot feed her cubs.

There's an ad in between. “Here are the three biggest mistakes you can make as an entrepreneur that will stop you from generating 5 to 6 figure monthly salaries”. I have to chuckle. What's the point of a 5 to 6 figure monthly salary? Is that what I want? A year ago I would have said a resounding YES, of course I want that. Now it's more like: I can live a fulfilled life without a 5 to 6-figure monthly salary. Because I know that life won't get any better with this income. There will only be other problems.

I was thinking about Matilda. The bipolar, mentally ill Matilda. She has no goal, as I experienced her, lives completely in the here and now, with no sense of time (she doesn't have a watch, nor does she look at it when she has one with her). And she's supposed to be mentally ill? Isn't she the one who woke up and we are all sick? I'm beginning to realize that she's not ill.

So that I identify less with objects and recognize the consciousness behind the ego more easily, I have replaced the word “my” with an article in this diary entry. I am aware that this is only for the ego. However, I suspect that transforming the ego to less identification with objects helps me to “see more clearly” - so I am getting into the habit of avoiding the word “mine” in language. The language of the parents has led the children to identify with the ego and made them adults, so a new language will turn the adults back into children and free them from identification with the ego.

Mom came home from work.

“Mom, I want to tell you something,” I say as we sit at the table. “Actually, no, maybe not. You won’t like it,” I continue.

“No, go ahead, tell me. I’m listening,” she responds.

The moment I mentioned “removing lamps,” the situation escalated in an instant. She began yelling at me and insulting me.

My younger sister joined in, criticizing me too, saying she didn’t like it when I showed up unannounced and ate food she had bought. The sudden onslaught of criticism was overwhelming, and some of her words pierced me right in the heart. I was on the verge of tears, but managed to ground myself just in time, shifting into a more mindful awareness and seeing the situation from a deeper perspective. Suddenly, I understood them both. But I said very little. I just listened. With my sister, we quickly found a solution.

The argument between my sister and mother somehow moved to the kitchen over a pizza with real, non-vegetarisn salami on it.

Meanwhile, I calmly read a book.

“See what you’ve done?” Mom says, coming over to me, implying I was responsible for the argument between her and my sister.

You useless homeless person.

You stink.

I hate you.

I’m ashamed of you.

These were the words thrown at me. I just sat there and listened. My sister stormed out. I get it – from the head (ego) perspective, Mom is truly unbearable in moments like this.

“I love you, Mom, and I accept you as you are. I know you’re overwhelmed, but I don’t want to listen to insults all the time.”

“You (meaning the family) don’t accept my love,” she says, crying, taking a puff from a vape.

I left the apartment key at the table. She didn’t want it, saying it wasn’t my sister’s apartment but hers, and she would decide if I was welcome or not. I left the key anyway.

“Alright, Mom, I’ll go and only come back when you stop constantly insulting me.”

I can listen to it all, and it doesn’t hurt me – but do I want to? I’m not here to be anyone’s verbal punching bag.

“I’m only telling the truth,” she retorts. “I see you falling apart. No one will want you if you fall too far.”

“Mom, this is my life. I’ll live it my way.”

“I’m ashamed that I bought alcohol and cigarettes,” she says, taking another puff from her vape.

I look at her and just think: Poor soul, trapped by her inner voice that keeps telling her that everyone else is to blame for her miserable life. I’m supposed to change so she can be happy.

“Mom, why not read that book by Eckhart Tolle I recommended? It would help you let go of this needless suffering.”

“You and your damn philosophy. I don’t have time for that, like you do.”

It was clear that words wouldn’t help here. I grabbed my backpack and left.

A little later, she texts me asking if I got home safely. An inner voice whispers, and I feel anger rise within me: “Don’t answer. She only insulted you, doesn’t accept you, blames you for her lousy life.”

But then I find my way back to the present moment and simply reply, “Yes.”

You can’t fight war with war. I love her as she is, and I accept her as she is. But I’m still firm in my resolve: I won’t accept being insulted. I come back when she stops this.

I asked God, the Father, to help mother free herself from her self-created suffering. She really has to learn this on her own—that’s why she’s here. But a little divine kick in the right direction wouldn’t hurt. 🙏

So, with that – until tomorrow!

I am grateful today:

• For resolving to remove the word “my” from the language.
• For the idea not using the room light.
• For the fact that I have further reduced the CSS file of the website today. Removed everything I don't really need. Minimalism in web development!

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