Valentine's Day
February 14, 2015. The next day, I went to her house, with a bouquet of flowers and the letter in hand. Her father opened the front door. Upon my request, he called Jana.
“Jana, let's at least treat each other well, I don't want to erase you from my life because you mean a lot to me. Let's at least treat each other like two reasonable people. I haven't done anything wrong to you, and neither have you to me. I don't understand your sudden aversion,” I said to her as she arrived at the door.
“This is for you,” I continued, handing her my letter and the bouquet of flowers.
She accepted them, only to let the flowers fall to the ground and tear up the letter in front of my eyes. It was painful to experience such a reaction from someone I loved with all my heart. It was only now that I realized that all my efforts and attempts to keep her in my life were futile. She was a girl who couldn't be convinced by words and feelings. Yet, her frozen tears thawed, and she answered tearfully, “No, go now!”
Literally, I felt my heart break - it hurt so much in my chest. I turned away from her, turned around, and walked away. Forever.
At home, I played the song "Love of my life" by Queen. The pain on that day felt like a dagger in my chest. It felt hellish to be abandoned by a person I loved with all my heart. It was entirely my fault. My intrusive behavior towards her led to the breakup, and my constant fear of loss haunted and demotivated me in everyday life. Our love could have slowly flourished like a flower if I had been patient. But this realization came only after the breakup - much too late.
The weeks after Valentine's Day, I suffered from severe heartbreak. Gaming distracted me somewhat, but as soon as I went to bed and thought of Jana again, I had to cry. I missed her so much. But all that was left of the beautiful time with Jana was a torn piece of paper with her name on it and a crocheted hat that gave me warmth in the cold winter days.
Future Learning from Time with Jana: I should not react so impulsively at the beginning of a relationship and be more patient. I should also rethink my behavior in a relationship, identify mistakes, and not repeat them.
