19 November 2023: Constant break-ups and reconciliations annoy me

November 19, 2023. Woke up at 10 am. Slept poorly today, probably because I was a bit cold and had to pee multiple times during the night.

Mom went to Julien to see if he was with another woman. "I feel like he's with a woman," she said before leaving.

"Just break up with him already. This relationship is not good for you," I suggested irritably.

"If I catch him right now, I'll break up with him immediately," she said and slammed the door behind her.

I had breakfast alone. The sun broke through the thick clouds. I sat cross-legged on the carpet with the rolls, opened the window to let the sunlight shine directly on my face, and enjoyed my breakfast with a cup of peppermint tea.

I thought about my mother's relationship. I found it simply pathological and didn't know how to help my mother out of this jealousy. Constantly breaking up and coming back when Julien threatens her with suicide, saying he can't live without her. This is how he always pulled Svetlana back into the toxic relationship. This back and forth and the constant conflicts due to jealousy, drinking, and smoking have been draining a lot of my energy lately when I'm here. I've given my mother advice over and over again, but she hasn't really taken it or only for a short time. Yesterday I told her she shouldn't meet her partner alone if they're breaking up or fighting in a toxic relationship. Apparently, she forgot my advice today.

When I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror, my face was red again. I'm so stupid. Why did I eat so many sweets again yesterday, from a thick layer of chocolate spread on the bread to honey and maple syrup in the tea? The reddened facial skin and itchy scalp were clearly due to the excessive sugar consumption from the day before.

I spent the whole day sitting on the floor by the open window as soon as the sun shone through the clouds. During breaks, I did a ten-minute relaxation meditation, imagining a candle in front of my eyes and moving the candle flame with inhaling through my nose and exhaling through pursed lips, but not extinguishing it. It was very difficult for me to concentrate on this; my thoughts kept wandering to something else. I resolved to do this meditation every day until I became a master at focusing continuously on the candle. This concentration ability will help me not only in listening but also in learning.

In the afternoon, mom came back. She looked downcast but had reconciled with Julien again. Then Mascha and Tobi came for a short visit and we had coffee, of course, spelt coffee. We all motivated mom and encouraged her to change her job to have more free time. After the coffee klatch, mom had a smile on her face again. Then Mascha and Tobi drove me to Hildesheim. There I had a Margherita pizza and waited for the train.

At home in Hanover, only Vanessa was there. She was already packing her things into boxes. She didn't have enough space in her room, so I offered to let her leave things in my room, as my room only had a mattress on the floor and was otherwise empty.

At home, I combed my hair, washed socks and underwear, then listened to the "A Beautiful Mind Extended Soundtrack" and stretched in the lotus position. By now I could touch my toes with my chin. If I keep stretching like this, I'll be able to give myself a blowjob soon.

I could now do the headstand with ease. I still can't lay my chest on my extended legs while sitting, but I'm getting much closer. The handstand is also getting much better.

Just before downtime, I put on a few more songs from Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, World of Warcraft, and finally "Gothic I Main Theme." When I listened to the Gothic soundtrack, I felt transported back to the past. This soundtrack combined with the memory created the greatest pain and joy at the same time.