Writing poems. My first Sex. My first website. I'm a failure. Smoking a pipe.

Having now unenrolled from school, I could dedicate the remaining half year to starting my business. I began creating a business plan until I reached a point where I realized that starting up was quite bureaucratic, expensive, and complicated for me. With my programming skills, I hardly made progress because I found it difficult to focus on learning the programming language. I constantly distracted myself with video games, Facebook, and MyVideo.

All the hurdles, especially the complex legal language, led me to take the easier path: searching for an apprenticeship as a computer scientist. I wrote and sent many applications. Some companies didn't respond at all, while others declined with what seemed like an automatically generated message. At one company, I had to take an aptitude test where I had to put together some boxes or continue number sequences under time pressure and stuff like that. Apparently, I performed poorly, otherwise they would have contacted me again.

Fortunately, I was lucky with a large company in Hanover - but first, I had to complete a three-day internship. My task was to design a test website using HTML and CSS, and I was confident that I had done well. I was looking forward to being accepted there, but on the last day of the trial work, I was interviewed by one of the employees. "Why should we hire you?"

This unexpected question caught me off guard as I wasn't prepared for it. I spouted some nonsense off the top of my head. The employee made a note of something on his pad. The next day, I received a rejection.

I was disappointed in myself and desperate. I wasn't successful with any company. I just couldn't get anything right.

For the rest of the school year, I practically did nothing useful: mainly, I played Call of Duty or Counter-Strike. If I lost too many games, I would occasionally turn off the computer and contemplate philosophical questions. What is death? What is love? Is there a God?

For a while, I was also seized by poetry, prompting me to string words together. My very first poem in German I titled "Dreaming of Bliss," and it went like this (translated from German):

Hours I sat there lost in thought,
Gazing dreamily out the window; but also beyond,
Where thoughts fade into infinity;
To the glowing stars, summer winds.
There, where there were no more worries,
Where bliss enveloped my soul,
Where the beloved family laughed,
Where love brought new insights,
There, where I placed my hand on my heart;
And with a proud feeling, nurtured this happiness.

Philosophizing and writing poetry had a calming effect on me. They distracted me from my fears of failure. So I continued to write poetry. One rainy day, I went out onto the balcony to be inspired by the gray atmosphere. Sitting under the umbrella, I looked melancholically at the large field in front of me and listened to the sound of the rain. I held a pencil in one hand and a notebook in the other. And so the stanzas of my second poem about the transience of life were written (translated from German):

Fortunate to come into the world;
lying on the meadow, bathed in sunlight;
well-fed and morally educated by parents,
wandering through the hodgepodge in the tranquil forest.

Unconsciousness has seized your body and mind.
And the unpredictable wilderness has gained the upper hand.
A hungry wolf sneaks and has you in its grip,
while you bleed out and another tears you apart.

Now your dying life suddenly becomes aware to you
– but far too late. You let your flesh be torn apart.
Only the defiant hope remains resilient for a while
to travel to the promised paradise of eternity.

Then I ventured to write a ballad that included some elements from the second Gothic game: the evil governor, the tavern "Zur Toten Harpyie," and the guards of Onar's farm. I mixed it all in my fantasy with love and tragedy. I titled the ballad "The Contract Killer":

After a long rest, one day,
A murderer of high rank
Receives a mission - from the governor himself.
The crime is uncertain and unusual.

"Listen to me, you insignificant scum
and do not deceive me, I tolerate no fraud!
My fortune has been seized by the whore.
Find and kill her; no creature will ever miss her!"

"Yes, my statesman, she will be dispatched immediately;
Without scruples and with joy, she will be harmed.
So far, so good. However, one insignificant question remains:
May one hope for generosity from a gracious lord?"

"Certainly! Torture will be granted to your impure body,
Until your mind awakens and experiences contentment.
Hiss away! Disappear! Complete your task.
But do it with care. And with great devotion."

And now the disappointed man roams to and fro,
Crosses the land and comes closer and closer to his goal.
An isolated farmhouse is his last suspicion;
Guards protect it; for the murderer - an imposition.

"What is hidden here that you guard so conspicuously?
Are there perhaps precious treasures hidden here? That's my suspicion."
"Stolen goods are securely hidden here, bold man!
Enlightened minds will be corrupted, and now it's your turn!"

Fearing greatly, the man flees into the distance,
Runs into the nearest tavern.
Silence unfolds, it is empty and deserted.
No! A woman approaches him quietly and speaks calmly.

"Hurry. Hide in the back room.
Do not look at me like that; your situation will worsen!
Look! The guards are sneaking and searching!
You madman! Turn your gaze away. Please! Try!"

"How can I resist your charming face?
Your beauty has bestowed upon me the wings of a cherub.
Take my hand and let us soar together;
Through the magnificent clouds and experience the stars!"

Oh dear God! Moaning, she falls into his arms,
While he holds her fiercely, facing his fate;
He sees the governor, wielding a blade behind the woman;
And waits helplessly as the love of his life fades away.

Philosophizing about love awakened Eros within me. Moreover, I wanted to finally experience what it's like to have real sex and not just watch porn. I didn't have a circle of friends through which I could meet girls. It was already rare for me to socialize at all. So, the only realistic possibility was the internet. I signed up for countless dating portals, hoping to find someone. Most never replied. The others weren't interested. Only a few were willing to engage with me.

For example, in a chat, I talked with a Julia from Hamburg, who, according to her height indication, was a head taller than me. She didn't mind that. However, she expressed herself somewhat strangely, which made me suspicious. My suspicion was confirmed when she gave me her number and we continued chatting on WhatsApp. She revealed to me that she suffered from schizophrenia. Then she suggested we meet, as she was not currently in the psychiatric ward. I had nothing against her illness and agreed to meet, but one evening, just before going to bed, I received a voice message from her. When I played it, I got goosebumps all over.

"Alexander, I'm scared. There's blood everywhere. My feet and hands are covered in blood. I'm so scared," she said in a tearful voice. In that moment, I got scared myself. I asked her if it was real blood. It wasn't until the next morning that she replied, saying it was just one of her hallucinations. Since that day, our contact dwindled until we stopped writing altogether. We never met.

I continued searching. They were always one-time meetings without any intimacy: Becky, the girl with the BMW 7 Series. At least she sat on my lap. Lou, the girl with the nose piercing and beautiful curly hair, who played "Left for Dead" with me at my place. She was more interested in the video game than in me. So, there was no physical contact. With Samantha and especially with Anna, I only talked about our shared sexual fantasies. It was very exciting, but unfortunately not real.

I came up with various lines to message the girls. One Jennifer S. from Hanover replied to me. In her photos, she was dressed in dark clothes. So, at first, I thought she might be into the goth scene or something similar. After exchanging messages intensively for a few days, we arranged to meet in Hildesheim.

She was already sitting on a bench and reading a book when I arrived at our meeting point at the train station. We walked through Hildesheim and got to know each other further. Surprisingly, I could talk well with her. And I felt comfortable beside her. Apparently, she found me quite nice too, because she invited me for a second meeting to bake a cake.

That day, we met at the train station in Hanover and then walked a few kilometers to her place. She lived alone in her apartment, together with her two hamsters. While she baked the cake, I watched TV in the living room. When she was finished, we ate the chocolate cake and talked about an animal documentary that was currently showing on TV. After a while, she went into the shower and left me to watch the copulation of two lions on my own. When she came back into the living room, she was wearing a T-shirt and leggings. She sat down on the sofa, I sat in the armchair and we talked about all sorts of things, about black holes because I had recently seen a documentary about them and found it fascinating, about friendships, about us. A few hours passed and it was getting dark outside.

When I wanted to drive away again, she said I could spend the night at her place because it was already dark. Of course, I was delighted and immediately said yes. Then we continued our conversation until we somehow got onto the subject of sex. While she told me about her sex stories, I tried to hint that I was still inexperienced but wanted to change that. She didn't think it was a big deal.

When it got really late, we brushed our teeth briefly. I had taken my toothbrush with me to be on the safe side because I had hoped that I would be allowed to stay with Jennifer. Then we went into the bedroom. On the other side of the bed, with her back to me, she took off her leggings. The long T-shirt covered her black panties, which I only caught a brief glimpse of. While she lay down in bed, I also quickly took off my jeans, socks and then the T-shirt. Wearing only my boxer shorts, I turned out the light and crawled under the comforter. Jennifer was lying with her back to me, covered up to her head. I was lying facing her, but as far away from her as possible because it was so unusual for me to be lying next to a real woman. The comforter was still cold at first, so I shivered slightly. She apparently noticed this and told me that I could come closer to her. Full of dopamine, I moved closer to her, but not so close that we touched. A few minutes later, I got used to the situation and slowly placed my hand on her warm hip. After a few minutes, the position of my arm was a little tiring because it sagged in the gap between me and Jennifer. I carefully dared to get even closer to her. My stomach was now lightly touching her back every time I breathed in. I was like I was in drug withdrawal and Jennifer, who was my drug, was right in front of me. She took my hand and moved it under the T-shirt to her naked breast. I moved even closer to her so that my stiff penis was now touching her bottom through my underpants. She slowly stroked my hips, moved her hand to my underpants and undid the button.

Jennifer was experienced and knew how to make my first time the best first time I could ask for. I was insatiable. I couldn't stop. We had sex until the sun came up. Then we fell asleep.

When I woke up, Jennifer was lying on my chest and her hand was clutching my still stiff penis.

'You have to go now,' she whispered in my ear. I was reluctant to leave this ecstasy. We made love one last time before I drove home again.

2011. I dropped out of the eleventh grade, didn't start my own business, and couldn't find an apprenticeship. I felt like a failure. Quitting time-consuming computer games was difficult because they were just too much fun and distracted me from my fears about the future. The virtual world was the only place where I achieved success and made progress. Nevertheless, I had the desire to do something meaningful. So, I created my first website called Darksoft using a free Russian web provider recommended by Max, as his gaming clan also used it.

The content management system was called UCOZ and was quite easy to use. I familiarized myself with the system, started learning HTML, CSS, and JavaScript to create my own design for the website. I tried to implement every new knowledge immediately, which led to constant changes in the website design. Sometimes it was dark, sometimes light, sometimes colorful, sometimes angular, sometimes round. The website filled up with my diary entries, thoughts, and imagined theories from various fields, whether it was computer science, philosophy, psychology, or poetry. To ensure that all my content could be found on Google, I gradually taught myself search engine optimization.

Of course, I had to continue looking for an apprenticeship. My mother would never have allowed me to do nothing for my future. So, until the beginning of the new school year, I couldn't dedicate all my time to my new hobby but had to continue searching for an apprenticeship. Since I didn't manage to find one by the start of the new school year, I eventually had to continue attending school. I looked for one that offered something related to computer science or computers in general. The next best choice was a technical high school in Hildesheim, the Werner-von-Siemens-Schule.

It was a half-hour bus ride from home. However, I still had to walk a little from the train station, which I didn't mind because the fresh morning walks to school relieved my tiredness - at least until I entered the school.

Surprisingly, during school breaks, I met my friend Alexey, who had to go through an additional year for his technical college entrance qualification after his apprenticeship. Sometimes during this school year, I spent the breaks with him - but also with two girls, which were a rarity in this school. The Turkish girl felt bullied by the boys at school, so she left after a year. The other girl, Clara, had blonde hair and wore square glasses that suited her. She was in the other eleventh grade and was rather unremarkable - nothing about her would have immediately caught the boys' attention at school - but she was nice. During breaks, we spent most of the time together.

Clara came to my house a few times because she needed help with her homework in information processing and I was reasonably good at it because of my hobby. Coincidentally, when she typed the letter P into Google search, she discovered my search history, which included pornographic search terms. While I was overcome with embarrassment, she simply clicked on a porn movie without batting an eyelid. A woman was kneeling in front of a man while the man pushed his penis into her orally. The woman made gagging noises. We just looked at each other for a moment and started laughing. We had forgotten to turn down the speakers because this funny gagging noise didn't sound like porn at all. When my mother burst into my room, I quickly closed the browser window.

"Okay, enough of that. Let's get on with IT," I said and we returned to the actual topic.

The next day, I was sitting in the break hall with Clara again. But this time it was different between us. Somehow we got onto the subject of the toilet. Just before the big break was over, we looked at each other briefly.

"Sasha, do you want to go to the toilet together?" Clara said to me with a sexual undertone, while all the students were already getting up from their benches and going to their classes. I continued to look at her while my brain had to process what she had said. The corridors slowly emptied.

"Sure, why not? The main thing is that we don't get caught by a teacher. I'll follow you!" I replied resolutely, thinking about the condom I had in my bag.

We sneaked into a women's toilet on the top floor and locked ourselves in a cubicle. I had to pee urgently. Clara turned around and looked out of a small window while I did.

"Clara, do you want to see my penis?"

"No," she replied dryly, without taking her eyes off the window.

"Okay, that's too bad. Let's get back to class then," I replied and zipped up my fly. We snuck out again and went back to our classes. I was totally confused.

When I walked into the classroom, everyone stared at me while my English teacher noted my tardiness. I sat next to André at one of the back tables because there was a free seat next to him, and the seating plan wasn't always followed. It was too far from the board, so due to my shortsightedness caused by spending too much time on the computer, I couldn't see anything except my teacher's wobbling bottom. I had a pair of glasses in my bag, but they were too embarrassing for class because they looked like safety goggles from chemistry class. So, I just doodled bored pictures in my notebook, which I always did when the class was excruciatingly boring. Additionally, André whispered his jokes because he knew they would make me laugh. It worked as usual, which led to the teacher kicking me out of the classroom.

Outside the classroom, I thought about my relationship with Clara. Somehow, I had a bit of a crush on her. Also, I felt like she was sending me clear signals that she was into me.