Advantages of Sleeping Outside. My flatmates terminate my tenancy agreement.

May 7, 2024. I woke up on the balcony at half past four. I somehow couldn’t fall back asleep. I didn’t really feel tired. I got up. Mom also got up at the same time because she had to go to the early shift. I had coffee with her and had some toast for breakfast. When she left, I continued writing in my diary in Laura's room and researched whether there are health benefits to sleeping outside:

1. Adjustment of my circadian clock to align with the natural cycle (sunrise and sunset).
2. Improvement of brain function (concentration, memory, and thinking ability).
3. Improvement of mental health.
4. Boost to the immune system.
5. Fresh air all night long.

I was somehow tired. I laid down briefly on Laura's bed and slept until 9:20 AM. I would have preferred to take the bus at 10:18 AM. Unfortunately, it doesn't run at that time. So I took the next one.

Since I had some time until the bus, I translated a bit of my diary into English and meditated a little. I went out to the balcony. The cloud cover was dark and hung quite low. No sun in sight. Such weather somehow depresses me. I used to like it, probably because I used it as an excuse to stay at home.

I closed my eyes, formed my hands in prayer, looked up, and whispered, "Dear Universe, dear God, surprise me positively today. Thank you!" With this wish to the universe, I made my way to Hanover.

After the bus ride came the train ride. I looked at the passing fields and meadows. Suddenly, I heard a buzzing. A bee landed on my right shoulder. I was a bit surprised but remained calm. Like spiders, it wants nothing from me. It just wants to live and do its thing. But when it started to wander down my upper arm toward my neck, I got anxious. With a little puff, I managed to change its direction. It flew a bit further down my upper arm and then to the back window. I looked back. The man started to get restless and moved to the empty seat next to him.

“I’ll let you out soon,” I thought, pulling out my bank card. Just as I was thinking about this, the train stopped in Kleefeld. I looked out the window and saw Sarah, the medical student with the mole on her lip. She was wearing headphones and probably didn’t see me, although she kind of threw a quick glance into my window. I hold no grudge against her. She’s a nice person.

When we got off, Sarah was at the train door and was the first to step out. I asked the older man where the bee was. He said it had flown away. I found that unfortunate, as it meant it would be trapped in this train even longer.

When I reached the bottom of the stairs, Sarah was nowhere to be seen. Dear Universe, I thought, that was a surprise, but rather a neutral one than a positive.

I quickly went to the shared flat to take out the trash, which I had to do according to the weekly cleaning schedule. When I got home, I took out the trash and went briefly to my room to get my hardcover diary. On the radiator, I discovered a letter with my name on it. That looks like a surprise, I thought. The handwriting looked like it belonged to Lina. Curiously, I opened the envelope.

When I pulled out the piece of paper, I immediately saw the sender: Lina (main tenant) and the address. Right below it were two more senders: Lara and Thomas. Further down was the recipient: Alexander Fufaev. I could already sense that something was wrong. I unfolded the sheet and read the headline, which briefly threw me off balance: "Termination of the tenancy in the shared apartment, the address, 1st floor, room 1."

My heart raced, and in that moment, I felt a sense of rejection. I continued reading:

“Dear Mr. Fufaev,

We hereby terminate the aforementioned tenancy from May 15, 2023, in accordance with the notice period, effective May 1, 2024. According to the legal notice period, the tenancy officially ends three months later on July 31, 2024. Setting an earlier move-out date is possible at any time. With this date, all claims between the tenants will end.

Please confirm receipt of this letter and inform us as soon as possible about the date for handing over the apartment.”

I took a deep breath. Somehow, I had a feeling that Lina might be behind this. Anger towards my roommates erupted, especially towards Lina. Revengeful feelings welled up inside me. What could I do to get back at Lina? I took another deep breath. No, that would be a weak reaction from me. It was the perfect opportunity to learn not to react with revenge and hatred. No one deserves revenge. The three of them must have a good reason if they all want me to move out of the apartment, I thought.

I walked back. The clouds had become even darker. I was on my way to the Conti-Campus to process everything in my diary over a coffee. On the way to the campus, I recalled Bodo Schäfer's words from the wealth affirmation: See every problem as an opportunity to learn and grow.

I sat outside at a table, sipping my coffee and writing everything down. As I documented the situation and my feelings, I noticed that the anger towards my roommates and the sadness slowly faded away. However, I no longer had the motivation to stay in Hanover any longer and meet new people. I needed to let everything sink in once more.

After my coffee, I took the tram back to Borsum. When I got off at Kröpcke, the sun broke through a small blue patch in the sky that had opened up between the thick gray clouds. I turned my face towards the sun and whispered a thank you. Somehow, the sad feeling transformed into a positive one. Everything happens as it must.

If I am honest with myself: I actually hadn’t felt comfortable in the apartment and had therefore spent much more time in Borsum. My roommates are nice, and I can truly talk to them about anything, but I couldn't really get close to them, so I had been avoiding contact with them lately. Therefore, I can understand that the three of them would want a fourth, more suitable person for the apartment. If I were the main tenant, I would also terminate the rooms for the three of them. Just kidding.

My theory is that Lina actually wishes for a relationship with me (that's how it seems to me sometimes), but I don't want that. When I sometimes tell her that I approach women while showing absolutely no interest in her, Lina feels rejected. She doesn't show it outwardly, but you can see it a bit on her. This creates anger within her that she suppresses. Now the anger is subtly breaking through, and a sign of that is that she terminated my lease. But that's just my theory.

I drove to Hildesheim. On the train, just before getting off, something very uncomfortable happened to me. I think it was the most uncomfortable situation I've experienced in years.

A young woman kept looking at me and smiling the whole time. I looked back and smiled, of course. Then she turned her long gaze away. I got off the train behind her. She turned around and smiled at me again. Although I wasn't really motivated to talk to people today, she lifted my spirits. For me, that was a clear sign of interest.

I caught up with her.

“Hey!”

“Hello.”

“You smiled at me so sweetly the whole time. Were you flirting with me?”

“No, no. That’s not what I meant. I'm sorry, I didn’t want that,” she responded somewhat shyly.

I was a bit confused by her reaction. First, such a confident, long, friendly gaze, and now so shy and dismissive.

“Nevertheless, your smile was really nice. It kind of lifted me up,” I said from the side as we walked down the stairs. “What’s your name?”, I asked her at the bottom of the stairs where we briefly paused.

“Elisabeth. Why?”

The name surprised me a bit. “Just like that. Let’s get to know each other,” I suggested, “I’m Alexander.”

“I don’t know.”

“What are you up to right now?”

“I’m going home from work. What do you do?”

“I’m a physicist and a writer.”

“Oh, cool. I have to go this way,” she said, pointing to the stairs leading to another platform.

“Before you go,” I looked at her from the lower stairs, “show me your hand,” I said, opening my right palm to show her how I wanted to see her hand.

“No. Why?” she suddenly burst out. I looked at her hand. It was a prosthetic. She immediately hid it in her jacket pocket.

I was a bit confused, surprised, and thoughtlessly asked, “I can read hands. Can you show me your other hand?”

Then I looked at her other hand and saw that she had a prosthetic there as well.

“I don’t want to,” she said hastily and continued on.

I stood there for a moment as if frozen and watched her walk up the stairs. A very uncomfortable feeling spread within me. On one hand, I was ashamed of my questions, on the other hand, I didn't want to hurt her.

The uncomfortable feeling only eased when I arrived in Borsum and spoke with Mom about the apartment termination. We sat at the dining table and ate the falafel döner that I had brought from Hildesheim. In a way, I was hoping for emotional support from Mom.

“With your lifestyle, you will never find an apartment.”

“Get yourself a real job.”

“Think of old age. You won’t receive a pension.”

“No one will want you like this.”

I have heard all of this. I know that Mom only wants the best for me, but unfortunately, she only pulled me down even further with her words.

“Mom? Don’t you remember the affirmation we listened to together?”

“Huh?”

“It's okay to lead a life that others don’t understand. It’s my life!” I quoted Bodo Schäfer.

She fell silent. At least verbally she accepted it. But unfortunately, not internally. She sees me as a physics professor at the university, wearing a blazer and earning a good salary. Unfortunately, that is no longer my vision of my future.

I have already looked for a few new shared apartments and sent out a few inquiries. Later, Mom came back and apologized for her reaction. I could understand her, because I was no better when it came to her and Julien. Instead of showing empathy, I gave her unnecessary advice on what I thought would be better for Mom.