October 7, 2023: Lucid dreams and Carmen, the environmental engineer

October 7, 2023. In the middle of the night, I woke up because I had to pee urgently. I realized I had dreamed about a girl with whom I had swum in an ice-cold lake. Someone from the shore said the water was too cold and we should get out. Then the girl with the gray sweatpants came up to me, showed me a brown stain on her butt, and said, "Look at this. Do you like it?"

"No, that's gross," I replied.

"Smell it," she said.

I did. She laughed and asked again, "Do you like it?"

I swam away from her. Before I went to pee, I thought about Luisa from the university and felt attracted to her. I satisfied myself by thinking about her.

After that, I tried to fall asleep, but I couldn't. I lay on my back with arms outstretched and legs protruding from the blanket because I was warm. Only my upper body was covered. My gaze went to the window. The sky was reddish. Then, somewhere between waking and sleeping, I had nightmares. A girl in a long, white, dirty, torn dress, with long black hair covering her face, leaving only a small slit of her tortured face and her glowing eyes visible, appeared. She always moved on all fours, except when she stopped, then she stood up. I couldn't stop thinking about her. Every thought of her gave me goosebumps and made my heart race. I tried to calm down by breathing deeply, but in vain. Then I tried to bring my thoughts back to the present moment, also in vain. I hugged her, but I still felt the fear. She didn't return my hug and only inflicted physical pain with every glance. My occiput hurt, and my heart pounded. I was so angry that I dreamed a scene in which I stabbed her with a knife while she lay on the stairs. She laughed. Then I cut off her head, and a new one grew back.

When I opened my eyes, I realized I had woken up. A creepy feeling came over me as I looked out the window and noticed someone standing over my head. Slowly, I looked up at the ceiling and froze with fear. There she was. The girl from my nightmare with the long, flowing hair and fiery eyes piercing through me. A shiver ran down my spine, and goosebumps covered my skin. My whole body tingled. I tried to move, but my body was paralyzed. I tried to scream, but no sound came from my lips. Suddenly, I heard the sound of the toilet flushing in the shared apartment. My heart raced, my head throbbed slightly in pain, and I pulled the blanket protectively over my body. I could move again. Now I was truly awake. I calmed down and fell back asleep.

At 8:30 a.m., I woke up. I felt like I had somehow managed to consciously penetrate my subconscious and observe what was going on there. It was as if I had entered my inner world, which I cannot perceive in the waking state. In this inner world lie my traumas, my fears, and all the evil.

After discussing my dream with Lara in the kitchen, I ate my salad, which I had made a bit too much of yesterday because I wanted to put it in the refrigerator, but then remembered that I didn't want to use the refrigerator anymore.

Then I walked to E-Damm and settled down in the "24 Degrees" café to enjoy a decaffeinated cappuccino with oat milk outside while reflecting on my experience with sleep paralysis.

What I had experienced was a case of lucid dreaming. It was even possible to actively induce lucid dreams. Simply drink a lot of water before going to bed, lie on your back, stretch out your arms and legs. Done. I continued reading and learned that with lucid dreaming, you can overcome your fears. This realization hit me particularly after my recent experience. If I had known that this girl only existed in my imagination, it might have been easier for me not to be afraid of her.

While I was reading, a man walked barefoot across the street in front of the café. The guests beside me commented on his decision: "Respect. Respect. That would be too cold for me."

After that, I went to the library. I sat at a table with a tall blonde woman wearing black leggings, a scarf, and a light green sweater. I observed her from the side as she played with her gray laptop and tablet. When she got up and passed by me, I smiled at her and wished her health as she sneezed. She thanked me with a smile.

Later, I went to the cafeteria and ate my salad by the window. When I returned, she was still at the table. As I approached, she smiled at me. Half an hour later, she walked past me and smiled again.

After completing the new cover for my diary, I left the cafeteria. In the foyer of the fourth floor, we met at the elevator. She smiled at me, and I noticed she was a head taller than me.

Just before the elevator arrived on the fourth floor, I asked: "What are you studying?"

"Civil and Environmental Engineering. And you?"

"I'm not studying anymore. But I studied Physics." I searched for a topic of conversation and asked forcedly: "Environmental engineering sounds interesting. I've also been transitioning to sustainability in my life lately. I'm trying to eat raw vegan. Does that ring a bell to you?"

"Yes, I'm familiar with it."

"Are you a vegan?"

I felt like I was interrogating her. I realized that with my questions, I was obscuring my intention and had already messed it up. Our paths briefly separated at the cloakroom. I took 5 euros out of my pocket and went outside the library. Shortly after, she came out smiling. I spoke to her again.

"By the way, what's your name?"

"Carmen. And yours?"

"Alexander," I said, extending my hand to her. She had cold hands.

"Do you want to have a coffee here at HanoMacke?" I asked.

"No, thank you."

"Too bad. Enjoy your meal," I said, and our paths separated at the entrance to the main cafeteria.

"A filter coffee with room for milk, please," I said to the young man behind the counter. Unfortunately, I forgot my No-Caffeine Challenge in that moment and had a filter coffee.

"Here you go. Have a nice day," he replied with a smile.

"Thank you, you too," I replied, proud that I had seized the opportunity to talk to Carmen.

Everyone was bundled up, but I sat there in a T-shirt. I sat cross-legged, sipping my coffee and reflecting on the day.

When I returned to the library, another pretty student came to my table and asked, "Is this seat taken?"

"No, of course not," I replied, and we exchanged a brief glance. She had a book with disgusting medical images. She's probably studying medicine.

Later, Carmen came back, took off her sweater, and sat down at the table. She was wearing a light blue T-shirt and tapping on her phone with one hand while biting her fingernails with the other. She was obviously still a bit nervous.

At around 4:30 p.m., I left the library and went to Café Kopi, where I had a decaffeinated coffee. Again today, I realized that it's not the caffeine that makes me happy about coffee, but the taste and the smell.

In the evening, I went out to party. I was at the WiWi party in Dax until 2 a.m. Many people pointed at my shoes and asked what they were. "Barefoot shoes," I replied. They were curious. I must admit that Dax is not really my target audience. Long nails, heavily made up, very superficial, and smoking all the time. I wouldn't recommend going to smoke-filled clubs with merino wool. The smell of smoke is hard to remove.

When I got home, I quickly fell asleep and dreamed...

The doorbell rang. It was Jule. "Why don't you come to karate anymore? I need mobile data," she said, her voice choked with tears.

"Admit it, you miss me and not my mobile data," I replied, also with a choked voice.

She turned around and started to leave. I walked up to her, grabbed her shoulders, turned her to face me, and said, "I love you too," gave her a kiss on the lips, and we hugged.

Then I woke up...