"Call me by your name" at the university cinema and smartphone in my backpack instead of my pocket

June 8, 2023. It was just before ten in the morning. I sat cross-legged on a bench in front of HanoMacke, enjoying the best and most affordable drink there: Filter coffee with oat milk. Meanwhile, I reflected on yesterday's conversation with Vanessa, about the four attachment types that develop in early childhood.

The sky was lightly cloudy, but it was warm enough to sit outside in shorts and a t-shirt, sipping my coffee. Of course, I was dressed entirely in black. Earlier, I took the bus as planned, at the same time as a week ago when I saw the blonde woman with the Labrador. Unfortunately, she wasn't on the bus this time.

Afterwards, I wrote an article in the library about frictional forces in physics and translated it into English. During lunch break, I approached a red-haired girl with brown eyes who was sitting with her friend across from me, taking a coffee break.

"Hey, I tried to smile at you when I was sitting over there. But you didn't notice me," I said, noticing a tea bag dangling in her cup.

"Would you like to have tea with me sometime?" I asked further.

"No," was her prompt reply.

"Okay, then. Goodbye!" I replied, turned around, and went back to the library to continue working on the article.

The library was now so crowded that even the second seat, only five centimeters away from me, was occupied by a heavily perfumed guy. It was too close and too quiet for me; I could even hear his breathing. So, I packed up my things and went back to HanoMacke to continue working there. It was loud, but not unpleasant. But then, a brunette girl sat diagonally across from me. She was drinking coffee and looking in my direction. Every time I looked at her, she looked into the distance with a slightly noticeable smile, as if she were looking through me. It was so strange that I decided to go to the Georgengarten after the coffee, relax on a bench, have something to eat, and then go to karate training.

After karate, I took the tram from the main station home. As I boarded and turned around, I noticed a young woman sitting on a seat chatting with two friends. She had beautiful, shiny, curly, blonde hair. When I looked in her direction, she glanced at me and said something to her friends. Our eye contact was brief, but so intense that I would think about it for the rest of the evening. I regretted not being brave enough that evening, when she and her friends got off at Werderstraße, turned to me, and looked at me with a slightly sad, pleading gaze: "Please talk to me." But I, showing no courage, just stood there and wondered if I should quickly open the door between us, which was slowly closing.

On the next day, I stopped carrying my smartphone in my pocket and instead put it in my backpack. This way, I wasn't constantly tempted to check my phone when I was standing in line at the cash register, waiting for the bus, or engaged in other waiting activities. Additionally, I had decided to stop drinking coffee. Yesterday, I read an article about how coffee inhibits the absorption of minerals such as calcium and magnesium. Also, the daily expense on coffee, at three cups a day costing me 1.50 euros each, amounted to around 40 euros a month for this coffee habit.

The next day, I even managed to get through the day without coffee. However, it was a terrible day. I was plagued by throbbing headaches all day, which prevented me from being productive. I tried to get rid of them by drinking plenty of water and taking walks, but it didn't help.

That night, I had a dream for the first time in a long while. I got off the train, and outside, cool music was playing, prompting me to dance. People looked at me and were fascinated by me. Then, I walked towards a wall and climbed it as if I were Spiderman.

The next morning, I sank into a mood slump and was useless. All day long, I felt drained of energy, and the headaches had worsened. These physical changes were clearly due to the lack of coffee. I couldn't stand it and drank three cups of coffee on the third day, spread throughout the day. I was slightly disappointed that I couldn't muster more willpower. But at least I managed to keep my smartphone in my pocket most of the time. When waiting for the bus, I didn't look at my phone but observed my surroundings. It felt good to let my mind wander freely.

In the evening, I watched the movie "Call me by your name" at the university cinema, accompanied by popcorn and a elderberry bionade. I had invited Luisa to watch the movie with me, but she only responded late at night, when the movie was already over. She said she had seen my message much too late because she was at her brother's birthday party until the evening. It was a very emotional movie, and I even cried. It opened my eyes in a special way, showing me that there was nothing wrong with having an intimate relationship with another man.