I've Analyzed My Emotional Trigger. Intimate Odor Because of Soap?

April 26, 2024 Before breakfast, I found out what kind of black bird with a yellow-orange beak it was. It was a male blackbird.

A disgusting intimate odor came from my underpants when I took them off briefly in the toilet. The underpants didn't smell, but my penis did when I opened the foreskin. This was very unusual because I had showered a few days ago. Normally, since I only wash myself with water, my private parts never smell, and if they do, then only after several weeks without a shower and after masturbation, and not as intensely. Something wasn't right. I thought about it. But when I looked in my diary, I found the answer: I had washed my intimate area intensively with soap before the date with Barbara. I am firmly convinced that this was the reason.

I took a shower. Just with water. I'm not going to put shower gel in my intimate area again and destroy my microbiome. Not even for a woman. I don't want to experience that disgusting smell again. When I was washing my hair, I noticed that my hair was falling out much more than usual. And unfortunately I don't know why. The pills still don't help or even cause more hair loss.

While putting on my socks, I noticed something. Shit, I thought, they’re getting holes again. It’s probably the shoes.

Mom cried this morning and was on the phone with Julien. Yesterday, she said she was breaking up with him after he called her a prostitute. But when I was sitting with Mom at the breakfast table, she seemed to have calmed down again. I took this as an opportunity to ask her if she could enter the PIN for Downtime on my laptop so that I could change it to 8 PM. She said she forgot the PIN. This triggered a strong reaction. Both Mom and I got triggered. I wanted to flee immediately. Run away to Hanover. Instead of following my strong feelings’ commands, I pushed myself not to run away and instead write down and analyze the situation.

1. I ask Mom if she can enter her PIN. (Little Sascha can’t get anywhere on his own and asks his parents for help).
2. Wrong password entered. New attempt. Still wrong. (Mom gets more frantic and suddenly seems more stressed).
3. “I told you to use a PIN that you regularly use. So you never forget it.” (I’m blaming Mom).
4. “I don’t remember anymore. My head is full,” she replied tearfully.
5. “Try again. You entered the PIN correctly by memory last time,” I say, holding my laptop in front of her nose. (I continue to apply pressure).
6. She makes a new attempt. Wrong entry. Mom starts randomly flailing around. (She seems annoyed and looks like she is on the verge of exploding with emotions). I am not aware of this at the moment and desperately want the correct password.
7. “You must definitely have the PIN in your head. Maybe the PIN from your bank account?” (I keep putting pressure on her).
8. She angrily runs to the table. Sits down on the chair and hits herself on the head with her fist. “My head is full.” She continues to hit herself on the head. Her teeth are visible; she bites down. (Here I emotionally triggered her).
9. I stand there frozen and say nothing more. My face gets hot. Maybe I am even turning red. (Little Sascha feels rejected. A feeling of sadness arises in me).
10. Mom has calmed down. She looks at her phone and types something. As if I am no longer there. (My sadness shifts to a feeling of anger).
11. I close the laptop, put it in my backpack. Rush to my water bottle. Fill it up in the kitchen. Pack it in the backpack. Then to my phone. Look at the clock to know when to catch the bus. I want to get away as fast as possible. (I want to escape the conflict).
12. Since I still have time until departure, I first flee into Laura's room and lock the door behind me. I have taken the breakfast board with my buttered roll on it and eat alone in Laura's room. My inner voice says: “She still didn't realize that she hurt me.” (The anger towards Mom is still there).
13. I hastily shove the roll into my mouth. Anger subsides. Sadness begins to set in.
14. Finished eating. I am really angry at Mom. Inner voice speaks: “If she comes into the room now (I expected that), then I won’t talk to her. I will not accept her typical apology. She can have breakfast alone.” (Little Sascha is mad at his mom and is pouting).
15. The chapter from yesterday about emotional triggers comes to mind. I take a deep breath. I decide not to flee but to write down the situation and analyze it, despite the urge to escape unnoticed. (Unnoticed because I know that Mom will do everything with her reconciliation and her apology for her reaction to make sure I don’t run away).

I examined the situation closely and wrote down my thoughts on it: One thing is clear from this situation. I am too insensitive when I want something badly. If I had recognized Mom’s emotional overwhelm earlier and not put her under pressure, this emotional trigger would not have happened to her and to me.

Just because I can get help quickly and immediately, it doesn't mean that my mother doesn't want to help me. I need to be patient and just ask her for help later. She is not rejecting little Sascha; she is just emotionally overwhelmed at the moment.

I just wonder: What does it say about me that I immediately feel the urge to run away during these intense conflicts? Clearly, my need for safety and harmony is being violated. Am I trying to find this need elsewhere by running away?

After Mom went to her late shift, I spent the entire time watching documentaries and talk shows about narcissism. I wasn't angry with her anymore when I realized that I had pressured her into this emotional overreaction, which then reflected back on me.

I also recalled other situations that trigger me. "Text me when you arrive safely" or "Check if everything is off" or "Drive carefully. Don't get too close to the tracks" and similar things trigger me mildly or more strongly. It's along the lines of: "Sascha, you can't do this alone, let me help you." I believe my need for autonomy is being violated here.

Another trigger point is when Mom tries to find out how much money I have. The last time she wanted to see my bank account, it triggered me intensely. Since her account is linked to mine, I couldn’t help but show her my account balance. That triggered me so much. I don’t want to tell her how much money I have. My inner voice then says: "If she knows you’re not in the negative, she’ll want to borrow money that you’ll never see again. It’s her fault if she goes broke again. I don’t want to trust money to someone who handles it that way." The more she probes or indirectly tries to find out if I have money, the stronger the emotional trigger becomes.

I also wondered whether my request for help, not getting help, and the associated emotional trigger have something to do with the fact that I was so dependent earlier and always asked Jule for help in our relationship: "Bibichen? Can you please correct this?" "Bibichen? Did I solve the task correctly?" "Bibichen? Can you pluck my eyebrows?" Since Jule always agreed, I saw it as confirmation that she didn’t reject me. Probably the poor Jule was overwhelmed by this dependency. But she still helped me because she truly loved me.

In the living room, I accidentally stepped on a little ant. I watched as two ants approached the dead ant and tried to drag it somewhere. They couldn’t manage it. Then a larger ant came and carried the dead ant away. I felt so sorry. It seemed to me like a mother trying to carry away her dead child. And they all had no way out because they were all lost in the apartment. I tried to drive the ants away with a piece of paper, but there were certainly more than ten. It didn’t work. It was too cumbersome. I let them roam around in the apartment and continued watching the talk show about narcissism.