May 27 and 28, 2023: CSD: Making Out With a Homosexual Man?
May 27, 2023. It was a sunny Saturday. I had just left the Conti Campus, my yoga mat under my arm, where I had been relaxing in the Welfengarten today. Suddenly, I heard whistling and loud cheering in the distance. I looked around and saw a demonstration parade coming towards me on the nearby Brühlstraße. Women streamed out of the demo onto the adjacent Neustädter Friedhof. A woman on the cemetery stood with her back to me, pulled down her pants, and peed on a tree. That immediately caught my attention. As two girls passed me on their way to the cemetery, I stopped them.
“Hey girls, what's this demo about anyway?”
“CSD?!” one of them replied, as if it were obvious that everyone knew. I thanked them, and the two continued on to the cemetery.
I decided to take a closer look at the demo. I joined the crowd next to a vehicle with loudspeakers blaring music. The song “Rasputin” was playing. I asked a guy next to me for a cigarette.
“Can you roll one?”
“No.”
He rolled me a cigarette.
“Do you have a light?”
“No.”
The guy laughed and lit my cigarette between my lips.
“Thanks,” I replied, feeling the music already boosting my confidence.
The demo moved towards Steintor. When we arrived at Opernplatz, a large crowd had already gathered in front of a stage where a DJ was playing the most popular chart hits. A little further, there was a smaller stage with techno music. In front of the stages, there were beer benches with tables, where mostly older people sat.
I was impressed by how much more individual and creative people were in their dancing here. The dance moves were extravagant and unique. On the dance floor, I felt at home. I was already in the mood for dancing. With my backpack on my back and the yoga mat in my hand, which I used in my performance, I danced away. I noticed a woman, probably in her mid-thirties, who stood out from the others with her dancing style. That fascinated me. I danced near her, but she seemed so immersed in her dance that she barely noticed her surroundings. After a while in the hot sun, it became too much for me. I took a break in the shade.
A man around his mid-forties, with Indian looks and a colorful Hawaiian shirt, approached me. “You’re a really good dancer,” he said with a British accent.
“Thank you,” I replied.
“You’re a good dancer too,” I added, as I had also seen him on the dance floor. “Where are you from?” he asked.
“I'm from Hanover. And you?”
“I’m from London, just visiting Germany. Today is my last day here. Tomorrow I’m heading back.”
“Oh, I hope you had an exciting time at the CSD today!”
“Well, aside from the awesome techno party, not yet.”
“You’re a very charming guy,” he continued.
I blushed slightly.
“Oh, I didn’t expect that compliment,” I replied.
He stepped closer and looked deep into my eyes.
“Do you wanna kiss?” he suddenly asked me.
I hesitated.
“Nah, sorry, I’m straight,” I finally said.
“Too bad. Have fun partying!” he gave me a high five and left.
Two men, dressed in leather with pig masks on their faces, stood next to me. One handed me a flyer. The text on it was long. I turned the paper over and saw a man chained with chains. I was shocked.
“Oh, that's too much for me. But thanks,” I replied as a black pig face looked at me.
They were still standing next to me. It made me uncomfortable, so I moved a bit further away from them into the shade, next to a tent. A girl my age stood next to me. Without saying a word, I handed her the flyer.
She looked at the paper and started laughing.
“That wouldn’t be for me,” she said.
“I thought the same when they handed me this flyer,” I joked.
That's how we got talking. I told her how I ended up at the CSD, and she told me she was here with her gay friend and that he was tearing it up on the dance floor. She didn’t want to dance herself, she said. She came from the countryside and was too shy for it. However, she didn’t seem shy at all in conversation.
She lit a cigarette and offered me one too, but we didn't have a lighter. So, we asked a chubby guy sitting on the bench nearby. She sat down next to him and lit her cigarette. Since there wasn’t enough space on the bench, I stood next to it.
“Why don’t you come sit with me on the bench,” she said, scooting over even further to the guy. I sat down next to her and lit my cigarette.
“Have you ever kissed at the CSD?” I asked her.
“No. And you?” she looked in my direction and looked at me. She was so close to me that I could feel her breath as she asked me.
“Neither have I.”
Suddenly, we just kissed on the lips. The kiss became more passionate and turned into a French kiss.
“Wow, with my longer beard, I’ve never kissed a woman before,” I whispered.
Marie leaned in to me and kissed me again.
“Marie, you naughty thing!” a guy interrupted us.
It was her friend who had just come from the dance floor.
“Do you want a kiss too?” she asked us, looking at me first, then at him.
“Hmm, I don't know. Probably not,” I replied, thinking: If he looked like George Clooney, I might agree.
“Your girlfriend said you can kiss any guy. How about him?” I asked her friend, pointing to a handsome, brunette man who was obviously gay.
Without saying a word, he went to the man. They chatted briefly and then disappeared into the crowd. Another guy Marie knew pulled her onto the dance floor. She said goodbye to me with a hug, and they both disappeared into the crowd as well.
I sat alone on the bench, still unable to believe what had just happened. Suddenly, I heard a moan. I turned around and saw a woman tied to a thick branch with ropes. I turned back around, my eyes wide open. For a brief moment, I thought I was in a completely different world where there were hardly any taboos. I liked that. A wide grin spread across my face.
I glanced at the main stage and then headed there. A Shakira song was playing. I pretended to be Shakira and swayed my hips. Then back to the techno dance floor. It was a bit awkward to dance with the yoga mat, so I set it aside. I didn't want to leave my backpack with the expensive laptop unattended, so I danced around with it. I danced with many women, flirted, joked, and gave out quick kisses. I gave a married woman a kiss on the cheek. She didn't want more.
“Don't be so pushy, okay?” said a friend of the married woman to me.
“Okay, sorry,” I replied to the man and immediately started dancing with another woman.
I didn't feel offended at all. The French kiss had boosted my confidence and happiness so much that I wasn't embarrassed about anything.
And so, I stayed at the CSD party until ten o'clock. My legs were tired from dancing. I made my way home. In front of the steps of the opera house, I spotted a woman with a bratwurst who looked very familiar. It was the exotic, introspective dancer.
“Hey, you were the best dancer at the techno party,” I addressed her.
“Hey, oh thank you. I love techno parties. Much better than that run-of-the-mill music playing on the main stage.”
I got into a conversation with Lina. She was brunette, had freckles, a cute little nose with a nose piercing. She was here with her friends but had lost sight of them. She told me how much she loved CSD parties. She had been to many of them. Her favorite was the CSD party in Berlin.
“Are you here tomorrow too?” she asked me.
“Actually, I was planning to be productive. Does the party go on until late tomorrow night?”
“Yes! I'll be there.”
“Cool, then we'll definitely see each other again tomorrow. I'll drop by,” I said.
We said goodbye with a hug, and with an intense feeling of happiness, I took the tram home. I was as talkative and extroverted as I hadn't been in a long time. It was as if I were a completely different person. However, I was aware that I reached this extroverted, sociable state when I had no specific expectations, whether it was to get a number or to hook up with someone. When I was just there having fun, I turned into an extroverted, sociable personality that attracted people. I was so glad I joined the demo.
Cristopher Street Day
May 28, 2023. The next day, I was once again awakened by the warm rays of the sun. From the kitchen, I heard voices - obviously, Lina had visitors again. It was her friend Helen. Together with Vanessa, the three of them prepared breakfast.
I started cleaning the bathroom - my first time in the new shared apartment. I used only water, baking soda, and citric acid. The drains were slightly clogged, so I poured some citric acid into the bathtub, sink, and toilet drains, adding some baking soda as well. A chemical reaction occurred. There was a fizzing sound. While the substances were working, I sprayed the bathtub, sink, faucet, and toilet seat with a mixture of water and two tablespoons of citric acid. Then, I used the toilet brush to distribute the foam inside the toilet and scrubbed lightly. With a cloth, I wiped the enamel and the faucet. I was impressed by how effectively the bathroom could be cleaned with just three ingredients. The faucet gleamed just as well as it would have with a treatment of abrasive cleaner. I wiped the bathroom mirror first with a slightly damp cloth and then with a dry microfiber cloth. Glass cleaner was not necessary at all.
Just before I finished cleaning, Lina suggested that I join them for breakfast. The smell of coffee was enticing, so I couldn't resist.
During breakfast, Vanessa raved about a tall guy she had seen yesterday at the beer festival wearing a brown plaid jacket and shoulder-length curls, but she hadn't dared to talk to him.
Then, we exchanged childhood memories. Helen talked about her first day of school and her grandpa, who looked like Einstein and was recognized by everyone on the street. Vanessa could hardly remember her first day of school, except for her teacher showing her how to open and close a ring binder. Lina vividly remembered her pajama outfit with cute giraffes and how she fell off her bike. The conversation then turned to breasts and bikinis, to which I couldn't contribute.
After breakfast, I took the bus back to my old shared apartment to leave one last signature so I could officially deregister from the old place. This time, I didn't bring a backpack or a yoga mat to have more freedom while dancing at the CSD festival. I wore long black pants and my fancy black shoes.
Hanna was there when I rang the bell. She showed me her redesigned balcony, where she could now sit comfortably and read a book. She told me that she didn't actually have any romantic feelings for Tim anymore, even though he already had high hopes and planned to buy a dog with her. I told her she should tell him about her lack of feelings as soon as possible so that he wouldn't suffer later. She agreed and mentioned that she would be at the CSD festival tonight with Annika.
It was just noon, and with twenty-one degrees and the blazing sun, it was too hot to party yet. So, I sat down comfortably at Kreipes Coffee Time and enjoyed a latte macchiato. I thought about yesterday's demonstration, where women and men, men and men, women and women, young and old, danced and kissed, where everyone dressed as they pleased, or even walked around half-naked. Everyone did their own thing. No one was looked at strangely just because they dressed differently - on the contrary, being different was admired. It was exactly my kind of world.
After that, I strolled through the bustling city center and ate a falafel wrap. I passed by the Opera Square and looked for Lena. It was very warm, and there was only one old man dancing shirtless on the techno dance floor. People sat on the beer benches and listened to various politicians. Lena was nowhere to be seen. I sat on the curb in the shade and closed my eyes. I felt somehow tired, and I was quite bored.
A completely black-clad girl with painted-on facial hair, who was probably only eighteen, approached me and asked how I was doing and if I wanted to join her group over there. I thanked her but said I was fine and just saving my energy for the later party. To avoid falling asleep completely, I wandered into the old town to the tea room and had a vegan rhubarb crumble cake with a cappuccino with oat milk while listening to the sound of the fountain. Then, I sat near the fountain, took off my shoes, and dangled my feet in the water. I did nothing, just sat there and stared at the fountain until a mother with a small child came and started circling the fountain and me. It annoyed me, so I made my way back to the CSD festival.
More people were there already. A speech was being given on the main stage, and several people were already dancing on the techno dance floor. I sat on a beer bench and looked around for Lena. Then, I danced a bit to get into the mood.
In the evening, I ran into Annika and Hanna at the main stage, but Lena was nowhere to be seen. On the techno dance floor, I saw a young woman who looked familiar to me. I remembered that we were in the same philosophy seminar during our bachelor's studies. She was an impressive poetry slammer with blond, curly hair and probably my biggest weakness - a wide hip in tight pants.
I stayed there until nine o'clock. I danced, but the whole time I was thinking about Lena. It wasn't really fun when I was constantly lost in thought. Occasionally, I went to the main stage to meet with Annika and Hanna, and we talked about investments and the rising value of my knock-out certificates. After the brainwashing from Bodo Schäfer's affirmation, I wouldn't mind becoming a millionaire, I told Annika. The value could keep rising.
On the way home, I bought some apples, tofu, and peanut butter at the train station and got on the tram slightly disappointed. I had probably set my hopes too high to see Lena again today. "The greater the expectation, the greater the disappointment," I thought as I boarded the tram.
At home, Helen, Lina, and Vanessa were playing a game called "Tell Me More" in the kitchen. It sounded cool, but I was already tired and not really in the mood to socialize. I crawled into bed and quickly fell asleep...
Result of the Master's Thesis
May 29, 2023. It was ten o'clock in the morning. Helen was still there, I could tell by her shoes. They were probably still asleep. I wasn't sure if I should stay or go to the café. Maybe they would invite me for breakfast again today. I enjoyed it yesterday. Nevertheless, I decided to go to Coffee Time. Maybe I would encounter my love, my darling on the way.
At Coffee Time, I translated my life story into English over a cup of coffee. My technical English for physics was quite good, but not the everyday English that often appeared in my life story. So, I used DeepL for help.
Today, I also received the result of my master's thesis. It was graded 1.7. I was very satisfied that I had passed. The grade wasn't that important to me.
For lunch, I was back home and for the very first time, I prepared and ate a very minimalist dish with only five ingredients: tofu with zucchini, onions, garlic, and a drizzle of flaxseed oil on top. Sure, it didn't taste as intense as a dish with thousands of ingredients and spices, but I think I could get used to it. One positive aspect of minimalist cooking struck me while washing up. I hardly used any dishes while cooking and eating. I quickly washed everything by hand because the dishwasher was already full, and I came up with the idea to completely do away with the dishwasher in the future if I continue cooking and staying single in a minimalist way.
I also considered transforming my wardrobe completely into black to make my clothing style as colorfully minimalist as possible. I would add a crazy accent to the black outfit with my colorful socks. I still owned light sweaters and a light everyday pair of pants that I would need to replace to execute this idea. Instead of replacing the light sweaters with black ones, I decided to get rid of them and keep only my black cotton sweater. If I ever find myself in need of a sweater, I can just buy additional black ones.
Learning: The CSD demo has made me more open to intimate contact with men. It has once again made it clear to me that it's not bad at all, but even cool, to be different.
Life Upgrades:
- I won't buy toilet cleaner, glass cleaner, all-purpose cleaner, kitchen cleaner, drain cleaner, or vinegar cleaner anymore. I'll clean the entire apartment only with water, citric acid, and baking soda. This way, I avoid a lot of packaging waste and save more money.
- I cook in a minimalist way by omitting unnecessary ingredients, such as multiple spices.