Jana, my first girlfriend

November 2014. Julias mother was right. When I finally freed myself from constant thoughts of Julia, I regained my zest for life. Even my introversion diminished with the lovesickness. I felt ready to once again search for my love.

On my way to the university, I constantly looked around, hoping to discover a potential soulmate somewhere. Even the enchanting gaze of any good-looking passerby prompted me to approach them and ask if we could get to know each other. This way, I managed to get a few phone numbers, but most of the time, I forgot the new contacts after a few weeks because I realized that the acquaintance showed no special interest in me. It was demotivating to always be the only one making an effort; texting them or inviting them for a walk. I was convinced that if she were my soulmate, she would make just as much effort to have a relationship with me. So, I discarded most contacts after a short time and continued my search.

After a tiring day at university and several rejections, one day I sat on a bench in the city and stared into infinity through the passing pedestrians. In my thoughts, I desperately asked God, "What am I doing wrong? Why is it so hard to find my love? Why aren't you here when I need you?"

After some time, I realized that I was waiting in vain for an answer. So, I stood up and walked with a tired, unseeing gaze to the train station.

The train home was already at the platform. It was relatively crowded, so I walked a little further along the carriages until I spotted an empty seat on a four-seater. In front of me sat two women, both probably around thirty or forty. To my left sat a young woman, about my age, with shoulder-length blonde hair. She had a small notebook on her lap and held a short pencil in her right hand.

While everyone around me stared at their phones, she looked out the window. Then at her notebook. Then back out the window and then back down. When the train finally started moving, she began to draw. I discreetly glanced at her notebook and recognized her drawing the perspective of a person looking out of the train window. She was so different from everyone else on the train that I couldn't help but feel drawn to her. As I watched her draw, I imagined gently touching her hand with mine.

I desperately wanted to talk to her before she got off the train. But I didn't dare because there were two other people sitting so close in front of us. I had never approached a woman in this situation before. I started feeling hot, and my heart began to beat faster. Time was running out as I feverishly searched for the right words. At every stop of the train, all I could think was, "Please, don't get off yet, give me a little more time." There weren't many stations left, and the likelihood of her getting off before me was increasing.

"You're really good at drawing!" I finally overcame my fear. At the same time, we both turned away from the drawing and looked at each other for the first time. After a brief glance into her gray-blue eyes, her lips curled into a smile.

"Thank you," she replied kindly and continued scribbling with her pencil.

My heart calmed down a bit.

"It's rare to meet people on the train who do something other than stare at their phones," I continued, trying to keep the conversation going, while out of the corner of my eye, I saw one of the women opposite us lift her head.

"I draw often during train rides," she replied, "I love art! And what about you?"

"I like physics," I replied somewhat hesitantly. The conversation finally got going. When I eventually asked her if we could stay in touch and for her phone number, she told me she didn't have her phone with her and didn't know the number by heart. Instead, just before getting off, she tore a sheet of paper somewhat messily from her notebook and wrote her name and email address on it. I still keep that sheet of paper between the pages of an old Dale Carnegie book that Dima gave me years ago. That's how I met the miraculous Jana.

Later that evening, I took the same train we had met on to her small town of Sehnde. We had arranged to meet via email. After getting off, I waited for her for a few minutes. For a moment, I thought she wouldn't show up at all. But she did. We took a nighttime walk through the town, which ended at a bench by the canal. As we sat there, we bombarded each other with various questions. As the conversation progressed, my inhibition decreased, while Jack Frost's cold forced us to huddle closer together. Jana even put her legs over mine, and I put my arm around her shoulders. Normally, I would have frozen to death in the cold long ago, but Jana's presence and the excitement that came with it kept me alive.

When it was finally time to catch the last train home after midnight, we waited near each other in the orange glow of a street lamp. Our eyes locked as Jana leaned closer to me. So close that I could feel her breath on my chin. She kissed me directly on the lips, briefly. A few seconds later, she kissed me again. This time, I kissed her back – longer. Her sparkling eyes never left mine for a second. It felt like she was looking directly into my soul. Our kisses were only interrupted by the arriving train.

On the train, I thought about how extraordinary it was that Jana had taken the initiative. For the first time, I felt genuine affection from a woman I was infatuated with.

The next day, she came to visit me in Borsum and stayed the night. After a long day of university and work, we drove to my place together. It was already nine o'clock in the evening when we arrived. She met my mother and my sister Lauri. Dasha wasn't there that day. She was probably with her new boyfriend, Tobias.

As was usual with my mother, she took complete care of us. She brought fruit and food to my room, as she always did when I had new friends over. After dinner, Jana lay exhausted in my single bed and told me about her busy day at the bookstore. I sat on the edge of the bed and held her hand. We talked for almost three hours until a glance at the clock made us end the conversation. It was quiet in the apartment - everyone was probably already asleep. We looked deep into each other's eyes and without hesitation, I moved closer to her and kissed her on the lips. At first, her lips were a little dry, but that quickly changed when I touched her upper lip and then her lower lip with my tongue. The now moistened lips made kissing more pleasant. While the tips of our tongues were touching, I undid her jeans button with one hand without looking. When I turned to the zipper, I interrupted our kiss and looked at the flower-embellished panties that were revealed.

"Wow, Jana, you've got a real forest here," I said, but still with a grin on my face. The luxuriant hair growth had surprised me a little.

"I don't shave down there. Does that bother you?" she replied, slightly embarrassed.

"Oh, that's not so tragic, but personally I think it's nicer when it's trimmed or shaved," I replied kindly, without offending her.

"You know what? Let's go into the bathroom for a minute. I can shave you down there," I suggested and continued the conversation.

After Jana hesitated briefly, she agreed. When we went into the bathroom, she undressed completely and got into the bath. I turned on the water and tested the temperature first to make sure it was comfortable. When the water was lukewarm, I gently wet her genital area with one hand, holding the shower head, and made sure it was sufficiently moist. Then I reached for my mother's fragrant shaving foam and my sharp facial razor and carefully began shaving. After a few strokes through the hair, the razor was already clogged and the bush still looked just as lush as before.

"Wait here, I'll get some nail scissors," I whispered quietly to Jana and slipped into my room naked. I also took a condom with me.

When I got back to the bathroom, I got straight to work: I bundled part of the bush and wound it into a strand. I then cut it off. After a few applications of this method, her labia thinned out. It was now time to use the razor again. This time it worked better. After shaving, I washed the intimate area with lukewarm water and from one look to the next, the deforested area was transformed into a bald object of desire. As I washed away the last remaining hairs, I felt her smooth labia with my hand, which gave me an erection. I was now sexually attracted to Jana. I turned off the tap, quickly undressed and got into the bath too. Our naked bodies wrapped around each other and we kissed. My penis became rock hard and rubbed against Jana's smooth stomach. The condom was lying on the washing machine next to the bathtub. I grabbed it with one hand without interrupting the kissing, opened it and rolled it up over my erect penis.

"Turn around," I whispered in Jana's ear and helped her. When she was standing with her back to me, I hugged her tightly again so that my slightly flaccid, hanging penis was stuck in her pussy. After a few seconds, I was very aroused again and the glans of my stiffening penis pressed against her labia.

"Lean forward," I said, helping her by gently pressing my hand against her back.

I carefully inserted my stiff penis into her virgin vagina and began to fuck her slowly. She didn't moan.

"Are you OK?" I asked Jana.

"Yes, everything's okay."

My thrusting movements became stronger and faster. Jana began to moan. After a few minutes I was already out of breath, but I was still a long way from climaxing. I was also getting very hot because the heating was turned up all the way.

"I'm feeling hot. I'll turn the heating off for a minute," I said to Jana and pulled out my penis. On cold days, my mother always turned the heating on full blast, even in my room when I wasn't there for a short time. So I always checked the setting when I got home. I didn't like it when it smelled like hot air and the room temperature was too high. In the bathroom, I had hardly ever paid attention to the set level. But now it was urgently needed.

When I was back in the bath with Jana, I asked her to return to the same position as before. My penis was flaccid after this interruption. Before I tried to insert it into Jana, I massaged it and imagined kinky things to get it going again. But it hardly did any good. It got a little thicker, but still hung down limply. Impatiently, I made my first attempt at insertion. It didn't work as it was still too limp. At that moment, I felt under pressure. Sex was no longer fun, it became a forced attempt to reach climax. I wasn't even interested in whether Jana enjoyed sex at that moment. I was so focused on getting my penis to come that I blocked out everything else around me. The only way I could see to orgasm at that moment was to masturbate. When Jana realized that I was using my hand, she turned around and leaned against the bathroom window to watch me. That wasn't exactly conducive. This un-erotic watching put me under even more pressure. Finally, after several exhausting minutes, cum finally flowed out of my glans. I was relieved to finally be able to relax my cramped arm. However, the climax was not enjoyable at that moment.

"I need to take a shower," I said to Jana, all sweaty and physically exhausted.

"I'll wait for you in bed," Jana replied and got out of the bathtub.

As I stood there soaping myself alone, an altruistic thought surfaced in me for the first time: "How did Jana feel about it?" It certainly wasn't a good first time for her.

We saw each other almost every day for the next few weeks. Every morning at the main station, she was waiting at the bottom of the stairs that led from the platform to the station. Every time I walked down the stairs, I felt a tingle in my stomach and a big grin spread across my face. Even grey days gained color as soon as I saw her. Once I reached the bottom, she greeted me with a firm hug and a loving kiss before we set off together on our daily journey. I continued my journey by streetcar to university and she to a bookshop where she worked in the meantime. She gave me so much motivation after every greeting at the station that I was even able to pay attention in the lectures without interruption.

She soon invited me to her home. Her parents were divorced and she lived with her father. He was nice to me. He liked making music, especially on the piano. Jana showed me her rather chaotic room. It was full of drawings. She took out a large pad and showed me the last pictures she had drawn. When I discovered the Hanover town hall drawn in pencil, I was speechless. Her talent for drawing was hard to beat. No wonder she wanted to study art in the coming year.

When the first snow fell...

Jana was brought to Borsum by her father in December 2014. When she came into my room, I already felt a great desire for her. Without many words, I pulled her close to me and kissed her passionately while my hands firmly gripped her soft bottom in my jeans. While our tongues played a wild game together, my right hand moved forward to her jeans button. I quickly unbuttoned the jeans with one hand and then turned my attention to zipping them up. My penis was already very hard and pressed against my jogging bottoms. The pressure was unbearable. I led Jana to the bed with some dominance and threw her onto her stomach. While she lay there quietly, I quickly pulled down her jeans and saw a shaved, lavender-scented pussy in front of me. After this seductive sight, I also pulled down my pants, kneeling behind her. I leaned against Jana from behind and inserted my erect penis, which was already wearing a condom, into her wet pussy. Her pussy felt very tight, so it was difficult to fuck her for more than a minute. Like an animal, a male who has just convinced a conquered female to mate, I rammed Jana insatiably from behind. Her labia were pulled out with the penis. This tightness felt so good. Jana tried to moan quietly because she knew we weren't alone at home. I didn't care at that moment. With my powerful thrusts, Jana slid further and further forward so that her upper body was already protruding over the edge of the bed and she had to support herself with her hands on the floor. She pushed back with her hands so that her lower body remained on the bed and I was able to fill her pussy full of cum over the next few seconds. After I came with a groan, I lay down for a moment with my upper body on Jana's bare bottom and enjoyed the lingering climax. A few minutes later there was a knock on my door.

"Janatschka, your father's here," my mother said from behind the door without going in. Maybe she knew we were having sex.

"All right, we're coming," I called to my mother.

Jana's father was already at the front door in his car. He took Jana and me to Hildesheim main station and drove back to his house. On the way to the Christmas market, we were already so hungry that we shared a calzone. I took one bite and Jana took another.

"I wish I had a girlfriend to eat calzones with too," a guy we passed jokingly remarked.

Jana grinned at me as a feeling of happiness spread through me.

On arrival at the Christmas market, we took a spin on the Ferris wheel. A grandmother was sitting next to us with a little girl.

"Look, they're in love," said the grandma to the girl. Jana and I looked at each other, smiling, while I squeezed her hand. At that moment, it felt like I had finally found my love.

We spent time together at the weekends, going out somewhere in Hanover or Hildesheim and going to the cinema in the evening to watch the latest films, including Interstellar.

When we didn't go to the cinema, we watched films at home, including my favorite film "A beautiful mind", which was recommended to me by my classmate David. Meanwhile, Jana would crochet a hat or socks.

"A beautiful mind" was one of those movies that made me emotional. I almost made it to the end without crying, but during the last scene where John Nash gives his Nobel Prize speech and says at the end "I'm only here tonight because of you, you're the reason I'm here, you're my only reason", I did have to shed a few tears. But it didn't seem to bother Jana at all, because when she noticed, she took off her crochet clothes, cuddled up to me and kissed me on the temple. That freed me from the fear of showing emotions in her presence.

She would read to me from her books before going to bed. She loved reading and had already read over a hundred novels. As I didn't read much, but wanted to change that, Jana brought me two novels from home: Foucault's Pendulum by Umberto Eco and Inkheart. But somehow I never got around to reading them. Foucault's Pendulum was written a little too complicated for my taste, which is why I stopped reading after a quarter of the book. However, the novel inspired me to make a physics video in which I explained the Foucault pendulum.

The Theory of Everything

December 2014. When the hat that Jana had been crocheting the whole time was finally finished the day before Christmas, Jana put it on me.

"So that your little ears always stay warm!" she said lovingly.

I was simply overwhelmed by Jana's manner. I had never received so much love from a girl before. We spent Christmas separately, she with her family and I at home. My mother was working and Lauri and Dasha were with Joachim. I didn't want to go to Joachim's - instead I spent Christmas alone, tinkering with my website and writing diary entries about my time with Jana in the glow of the twinkling fairy lights.

The day before New Year's Eve, we went to the movies together to see "The Discovery of Infinity", a movie about Stephen and Jane Hawking's life.

"I want us to be together for as long as we can," Jane Hawking said after learning that Stephen had motor neuron disease. When she said that, I clasped Jane's hand tighter.

Do you love me?

January 15, 2015. In the evening, we went for a walk through Hanover. It was the first day of the new year that I saw Jana. She had to write applications to universities, so we couldn't see each other beforehand.

“Jana, do you remember the note above my desk?” I asked her. “I think I can take it down now.”

She remained silent.

“You are my soulmate, Jana. The love of my life,” I continued, hoping she would say the same. But she continued to stay silent.

Then, she finally responded.

“I’m not ready yet.”

She explained to me that she wouldn’t be here for much longer. She would have to move because of her studies. The distance didn’t matter to me. All I wanted to hear in that moment was that she loved me too and that we would stay together forever. But she said nothing.

At the end of the walk, we waited at the station entrance for the train home. I was disappointed and impatient, so I confronted her with a decision. I demanded a clear answer from her: YES or NO to our relationship.

I still remember her look - as if she wanted to ask me in sadness why I had asked that. A lump formed in my throat because I already had a sense of what answer I would receive. We looked at each other in silence for a few minutes until she said no.

Without saying goodbye to her and without looking back, I walked quickly to the platform. The train was already there. I sat in the only free seat on a bench for four and looked out the window with clenched teeth and a raised head. The first raindrops hit the window and slid down. The lump in my throat didn’t go away when I tried to swallow. With my arm leaning against the window, I tried to hide my eyes, which were already filled with tears, from others. I couldn’t lower my head, otherwise gravity would have brought the tears falling from the corners of my eyes. When the train finally started, I gave in to gravity, lowered my head, and let the tears drop onto my pants.

The next day, I already regretted my impatient, childish overreaction. As I got off the train and went down the stairs, I had no hope of seeing Jana below. But I knew she had to be somewhere here because she went to work at the same time as I went to university. I looked around everywhere and actually spotted her in a crowd a bit further at the entrance of the main station. I followed her and adjusted my pace to hers so as not to lose sight of her. I didn't want to believe that it was all over because of yesterday's triviality. I didn't want to give up, which is why I eventually decided to catch up with her and speak to her:

“Jana, how are you?”

“Hi. Not so good...”

We walked a few steps.

“I'm sorry I'm not very talkative today,” she said.

“It's okay, Jana! You don't have to talk to me; say if you have something to say.”

I followed her to the tram stop, where we waited for a while. Jana stood facing away from me, and we didn't speak a word to each other.

“I'm sorry I ran away yesterday,” I finally burst out as I saw the tram Jana wanted to take.

She didn't reply and just looked around. As the tram was almost coming to a stop, I decided to hug Jana. But she stopped me.

“I hate people,” she said tearfully, then she ran into the tram.

Full of pain, I watched the tram drive away. With my head bowed, I made my way to the lecture.

After the first two lectures, instead of going to the cafeteria, I sat in the library, away from all people, and watched the pigeons on the roof. My thoughts revolved around Jana:

“I don't want to make her sad or make her life difficult. But I also don't want to lose her. What have I done? I have to keep fighting.”

On the way home, I wrote her an email asking her what was on her mind. In the following days, I waited hopefully for a response from her.

The Call

February 2015. It was snowing heavily outside. As often lately, I looked out the window and thought about Jana. My mom came into my room and probably noticed that I wasn't doing well, although I tried to hide it from her. I knew she would probably say that I should finally forget about Jana and focus on my studies so that I would be successful professionally. Of course, that wouldn't cheer me up at all. But this time, to my surprise, she reacted very differently. We went for a walk together along the snowy fields, and she really tried to understand my feelings. After the walk, I felt better.

When she had to go to work for the late shift, I sat in front of the window and enjoyed the tranquility, the snow-covered fields, and the falling flakes against the white sky. I wondered what Jana was doing right now. I really wanted to hear her voice. So, I grabbed my phone, hoping to reach her. The voicemail picked up. Since it was hopeless to leave a message, I called the landline. After a few seconds, her father answered the phone.

“Hello, I just wanted to ask how Jana is doing.”

“She's fine,” he replied calmly.

She was at home, dealing with university applications. As I hung up, the thought arose: God, please make her happy, free her from the burden... Yet her father said she was fine. I was the one who was heartbroken and desperately trying to maintain contact with Jana.

Every damn day, I went down the station stairs hoping to see her below. As soon as I reached the last step, I got a lump in my throat. Every time, I looked around, hoping to see her somewhere. In vain.

The Love Letter to Jana

February 13, 2015. Erika Berger's horoscope rated today, regarding love and partnership, with five out of five hearts. Also, for Jana's zodiac sign and her birthday, five hearts were depicted. I knew immediately that I would encounter her today because on those days when she wasn't in my presence, the horoscope predicted only one, two, or at most three out of five hearts. If I had told Jana about the horoscope predictions, she would probably have just said they were pure coincidences. She was always more rational. Yet, despite her outward rationality, she was a very emotional, compassionate person. Perhaps I would be just like her if I had chosen my rational father over my emotional mother during my parents' divorce.

After the senselessly wasted time in the lectures, where I knew just as much as before, I set off for home at two o'clock. I walked along the carriages and looked left and right, hoping to finally see Jana. It was highly unlikely that I would meet her at this time because she should still be at work. But the hope that the horoscope gave me didn't even make me doubt for a moment. I walked determinedly through the carriages and actually met Jana. This time she wasn't drawing, instead, she was reading a book. I liked it so much about her, that she read.

I sat down next to her and greeted her. She greeted back but didn't say anything else. It was a satisfying feeling to see her again and to watch her reading. It reminded me of the days when we lay cuddled up in bed together, and she read me a passage from her book. If only I had known back then that our shared story would soon come to an end, I would have fallen to my knees and begged her not to take me seriously on that last day. She had to get off soon, although I had hoped she would stay and ride with me to my stop. When I got home, I wrote her a letter:

I cannot be sure that God really wants the best for me; I don't know if he is merciful or sadistic by nature. I also don't know if you are my destiny, but something still keeps my faith and hope alive - despite your thrown dice. Even though it sometimes seems hopeless and very heart-wrenching for me in some moments, it is certainly no reason to give up on you. It may not be easy to recognize externally how much you mean to me, but inside my mind, an infinite longing for you unfolds; and as soon as you are in my presence, I feel so much joy and completeness of my spirit; which is hardly expressible in words. Our spirits are intertwined, Jana; perhaps that's why my hope continues to fight. P.S. I want us to be together for as long as possible.”

Valentine's Day

February 14, 2015. The next day, I went to her house, with a bouquet of flowers and the letter in hand. Her father opened the front door. Upon my request, he called Jana.

“Jana, let's at least treat each other well, I don't want to erase you from my life because you mean a lot to me. Let's at least treat each other like two reasonable people. I haven't done anything wrong to you, and neither have you to me. I don't understand your sudden aversion,” I said to her as she arrived at the door.

“This is for you,” I continued, handing her my letter and the bouquet of flowers.

She accepted them, only to let the flowers fall to the ground and tear up the letter in front of my eyes. It was painful to experience such a reaction from someone I loved with all my heart. It was only now that I realized that all my efforts and attempts to keep her in my life were futile. She was a girl who couldn't be convinced by words and feelings. Yet, her frozen tears thawed, and she answered tearfully, “No, go now!”

Literally, I felt my heart break - it hurt so much in my chest. I turned away from her, turned around, and walked away. Forever.

At home, I played the song "Love of my life" by Queen. The pain on that day felt like a dagger in my chest. It felt hellish to be abandoned by a person I loved with all my heart. It was entirely my fault. My intrusive behavior towards her led to the breakup, and my constant fear of loss haunted and demotivated me in everyday life. Our love could have slowly flourished like a flower if I had been patient. But this realization came only after the breakup - much too late.

The weeks after Valentine's Day, I suffered from severe heartbreak. Gaming distracted me somewhat, but as soon as I went to bed and thought of Jana again, I had to cry. I missed her so much. But all that was left of the beautiful time with Jana was a torn piece of paper with her name on it and a crocheted hat that gave me warmth in the cold winter days.