The day my long-term relationship ended
September 25, 2022. Sundays were always a time for Jule and me to enjoy a special breakfast. I would always go get rolls, and we would have a hearty breakfast. Then, we would settle on the sofa, enjoy a coffee with frothed oat milk, and either read separately or Jule would read me news from the Hannover region or interesting facts from Wikipedia.
However, this Sunday, breakfast unfolded a bit differently. The sun was shining as we sat in the kitchen, enjoying Jule's new favorite dish, fried eggs with baked beans and tomatoes. Since her return from England, she had been leaning back towards animal products, especially eggs, perhaps inspired by the delicious English breakfast.
"Sasha," Jule began, and just the way she said my name made me perk up. She didn't usually call me that when we were alone. Her expression revealed that she had something significant to say. "Emotionally, I don't feel anything for you anymore," she continued.
The sentence hit me so unexpectedly that I stopped chewing and just stared at her, unsure of how to react.
After a longer pause, during which she looked directly at me – not turning away or staring into space – she spoke again: "I've decided to end our relationship."
"Oh, wow, that's unexpected," was all I could reply.
A few seconds later, a tear fell from my eye onto my plate.
"Jule, I thought we were both eco-freaks. We always try to fix everything before we buy something new," I tried to lighten the tense emotional situation with a joking comment.
Jule, who now also had tears in her eyes, managed to laugh nonetheless.
"Ou…r r la io ship is pro…ably no long r to f fix," she tried to say something to me through tears.
"What did you say?" I asked giggling, as I couldn't understand Jule's sobbing, stuttering words. She quickly wiped her nose and made another attempt.
"I said, our relationship is probably not more to repair."
I became serious again.
"Yes, you're probably right."
It seemed so impossible to let go of a part of my family.
"Jule, I think I've contributed a lot to our relationship being irreparable," I confessed.
"What do you mean?" Jule asked, wiping away her tears.
"I haven't truly loved you in the past few years."
I lowered my gaze. A moment of silence followed. Then I continued.
"When I looked into your eyes, I didn't feel the love I felt when I looked at Mara."
"I didn't feel the urge to spend time with you. Instead, I preferred working on my website."
"And when we were out in a café or restaurant, or just riding the tram, I never really listened to you. Instead, I preferred checking out hot women in tight leggings."
"It felt awkward for me to hug you or hold hands with you in public lately. It didn't feel sincere."
"I didn't even really miss you when you were in England."
"You don't deserve to be treated like this by me, Jule."
By now, I could barely see through my tear-filled eyes. Tears dripped onto my pants, directly into the crotch area.
"Jule, look, I've wet myself," I stood up and pointed to the large wet patch on my pants.
Jule cried and laughed at the same time.
I sat down next to Jule on the floor, resting my head in her lap as she stroked my hair. We talked into the afternoon about our relationship, the good and the bad, things we hadn't told each other before. It was a painful farewell as we hugged tightly and for a long time in the hallway.
"Goodbye, my darling. I wish you an awesome life. With hardcore champagne parties…" I sang with a tearful voice, a reference to the song by the band Glasperlenspiel.
Jule laughed.
"Goodbye, Sashi."
We hugged one last time, and I left the apartment. In the stairwell, I looked back once more and waved to Jule. A few steps further, I did it again. Jule waved back. Then I lost sight of her.
I wiped the tears from my face with my t-shirt, took a deep breath, and started walking home. The sun broke through the clouds as I approached the main entrance of the central station. At the same time, a light rain was falling, but it was so gentle that there was no need to seek shelter from it. I sat outside at a café, watching the people streaming out of the station, and enjoyed a latte macchiato with oat milk.
The sadness inside me began to fade, and deep down, I harbored the hope that after Jule's trip to Italy, we could start anew and fall in love with each other. But I knew it wouldn't be as easy as I hoped in that moment. The dance of love with Jule ended today after six years.
Learnings from my long-term relationship: When I talked to Jule about my feelings, I sometimes omitted certain things that I feared could hurt her (like the uncomfortable feeling when we held hands) or that I considered less significant (like being distracted by attractive women or imagining having sex with other women). In the future, when I start a relationship, I won't withhold any information but discuss them openly with my partner.
Only now, after our relationship has ended, do I realize that Jule may have been distant because I didn't sincerely love her as the woman for life. Instead, I behaved selfishly by staying in a relationship just to avoid being alone. This lack of complete commitment to the person led me to not really listen to her, especially recently, and only give her token responses. Even during train rides or our family time, I preferred being on my laptop or phone instead of spending time with Jule with my full attention.
